Mother’s Day Musings
Mother’s day is upon us. And today a lot of things have been zinging through my mind. I seen lots of posts and pictures about mom’s and what they desire for mothers day. Giveaway’s, Pictures of peoples moms, gift ideas, funny comics and videos, etc.
Today I woke up to my 12 year old son making cinnamon rolls. This child desires to be helpful in every way but often times those desires to help turn out to be the opposite of helpful. This is a hard place for me as a mother. I want to promote his helpfulness but also I often want to say “please stop helping, for the sanity of mom, please stop helping.” I fight inside myself which way to go. These cinnamon rolls were not from scratch thankfully, they were from a can. (I love scratch cinnamon rolls but this child does not need to do this on his own).
The first thought that rolled through my head was not gratefulness of not having to make breakfast this morning. Instead it was “oh no how has this gone wrong?!?” And right there is Bobbi’s control issues rearing their ugly head at an early hour. But God was gracious to point that out to me and in doing so I felt I should be vulnerable to my children and expose my struggles and weakness as we have been talking a lot about weakness this week as a family. Weakness is not a bad thing, its a human thing and when we admit we are weak God can use us. And we can also relax because we are always weak, we don’t have to prove ourselves and wear ourselves out trying to be strong. So I apologized to my son and thanked him for having breakfast hot and ready as soon as the rest of the family was waking up to come downstairs. He was very proud of himself and I do want to help this child with some Wins 🙂
My oldest son and I have been going head to head lately. Lets just say we are both hormonal and that seems not to be a good mix. I pray daily and fail daily with him. I love him to death and he is a great kid, he is super smart, he is caring, and he aims to please. He and I share some parts of our personality and I think this is where we also might butt heads. He is very particular, he wants things just so, and chaos makes him a little crazy. Living in a family of 6 most days are full of chaos. So my desire for him is to help him know how to deal with this chaos in a calm happy way but I can’t seem to figure that part out. He is at a very impatient stage of his life. He also likes to correct everyone which makes me want to punch him in the face! (Of course not really but we jokingly use that term in our home. Nobody has actually ever been punched in the face at our house.) I know I drive him crazy too, and I totally hate that. I just have to keep praying Jesus will be in the middle of our relationship and He will give me the words to say and He will shut my mouth when I need to be quiet and let things go.
There are three other children in our home that we have our issues too, but lately the struggle has been with my other two children. But everyone takes their turns, such is motherhood I think.
My control issues have been at the forefront of my mind lately. I desire to be a relaxed mom, and my need to be in control and the house to run smoothly makes me a tense worried un-fun mom. I want to enjoy my children and I deeply desire for them to feel enjoyed. I want to be free and give up my control and be able to see my children as the unique individuals they are. I don’t want to see messes and problems, I want to see opportunities and give smiles and hugs. And I don’t mean this in an idealistic way. I think there is balance to be had. But I don’t feel I am balanced. I want order but not to sacrifice my children’s feelings to feel like a task or cleanliness is bigger than their feelings or them as a person.
Today I have also been faced with I think my greatest pet peeve as a mother. The losing of things. When you live in a house of 7 people, things are definitely going to get lost. Logically I understand this, but it has gotten to a level today that I just feel like I am going to lose my mind if we lose one more thing. Especially when it comes to our homeschool. I even bought organizational stuff to organize our school room. I wanted it to be neat and easy to put stuff away. I apparently lost my mind and thought that this purchase was going to make this situation better. We are still losing things and Im still losing my mind over it. Clearly another area God is working in my life, I long for the day I might just let that roll over me and laugh about it. Or maybe just shrug my shoulders and continue with the day. One can dream and hope right?
Today I have thought, yep, it seems to be the most unmotherly thing I could want, but I would like a vacation from these younger people in my house. I don’t want to deal with disrespect and anger, I don’t want to hear any more whining. I am tired of sibling bickering, of their constant desire to correct each other. I could use a day off. A day of peace and rest, of complete thoughts, of not feeling guilt about my horrible mothering.
And then as I was escaping for a few minutes on social media I saw a quick video about mothers holding their babies for the first time. I am a little weird about these types of videos. I love babies, and I love the experience of birth but I don’t particularly want to watch someone else having a baby. That is a private experience in my opinion. But this video was well done, the mothers were not exposed and being pregnant for the sixth time I watched it.
And it really hit me, just how special, how exciting and what an honor it is. I am not a crier, if I can not cry that is my mode. I don’t necessarily think that’s healthy but I am a very reserved person and I don’t like expressing emotion in front of people. Once again this is another thing God has worked on in my life and for that I am thankful because I do honestly think it’s very unhealthy to repress feelings. But all that to say that every one of my children being born I have cried as they came into this world and the nurse put this sweet gift in my arms. It was almost like the crying was akin to having the baby, my body was going to do it. I couldn’t hold the baby in and the tears wouldn’t be held in either. It was a response to the grandness of what was happening. It is this huge thing to bring a tiny human being into this world. It is such a monumental moment. And all of a sudden I was just slammed with “Oh My Gosh, we get to have this experience one more time! ” Not “oh great we have to do this one more time.” But what a blessing, what an honor!
The world we live in kind of looks at you sideways if you start to have 3 or more children. The more children you have the more crazy looks you get. And sometimes I buy into the look. I go wow I must be insane. And I almost apologize when I say I am pregnant with our sixth. But honestly if I can just shut out all the voices of the world, I feel beyond blessed to have the opportunity to have 6 children. My children have been a sanctification process to me. They have whittled my selfishness down. I’m still selfish, I am not fixed but God has used them to show me my areas of weakness, God has worked through my children to make me a better person and is continuing to do so. It is a hard painful process but also a beautiful process.
I am thankful that I am starting to feel these little tiny kicks and nudges again. It’s such a crazy thing that a little human being can grow and develop inside of you. What a miracle. I am beyond excited to view this little person moving around inside of me in a couple of weeks at our upcoming ultrasound. I don’t look forward to the pain of childbirth, but the experience is still amazing and worth pain. I can’t believe I get to experience it again and meet a new little human again. I don’t want to ever take this experience whether it was the first child, or the last child for granted. I want to experience all its wonder and take joy in what God is doing inside my body.
I want to be thankful for motherhood, even the hard things, and the bad days. It is clear to me that Motherhood is my calling and I don’t want to do a halfway job or scoff at it. I want to find joy in the different ages and stages. I want to see life through my heavenly Father’s eyes as well as the way He sees my children because crazily enough He loves them even more than I can. my little human brain has trouble processing that because I love my children deeply and want the best for their lives. But I know my God love them even more and I can’t even conceive of a love greater than my own. I want to be mindful there are good days ahead too and there is purpose for each of these people and also be reminded of my own child like relationship with my heavenly father!